This will be the third instalment in my transition and journey from leaving the M.O.D and the last on this subject you may be pleased to know. I read through my previous posts and it sounded as though I have all the answers and I'm sorted. Well nobody likes a smart arse!
I do not profess to know everything and my experience is very anecdotal, it was what helped me at the time, I believe that the things I learned and the emotions I felt can help others but it's not a one size fits all kinda thing, if that is how you feel then that is HOW YOU FEEL. You then challenge the feelings and beliefs. No one can tell you the right way to feel.
I still fall back into old habits and struggle to heed my own advice, it is a practice and must be treated as such, continuous and consistent practice. That is why this is arguably the most difficult to write because these are the issues that I currently deal with and It is a question I reckon everyone dealing with massive change will ask themselves.
WHO AM I NOW?
This is not an easy question to answer, I identified with being an MOD Police Officer for 11 years that was who I was, and that was what I had known from the age of 23 to 34. And now that was gone.......
The lifestyle, social life, status, uniform, routine, patterns, knowledge, procedures, structure, chain of command, salary and security had gone I had to question why I was so attached to this identity and why it was so hard to let go. It was all to do with what other people thought of me. I can sum up a lot of the decisions and choices I have made in life with this in mind.
My job defined me as a person I was proud of what I had achieved. I felt like I had let people down, I was ashamed and embarrassed. Did people see me as a failure, did people mutter under their breath that I couldn't hack it or that I told you so?
NO they never, even though was feeling this way at the time they were irrational beliefs brought on by the cycle of thoughts that I discussed in the previous posts. The reason why this is so hard to write is because it’s about ego.
So let's make sure we are on the same page the best way I found to describe ego is this;
"Ego is a complex cluster of energy tied to a history that begins at birth and is added to daily, when someone calls your name an entire history is summoned to attention."
So it’s a culmination of everything that has happened to you in your life but your own version of it, experienced through all your sense's and filtered through all your frames of reference.
How you were raised.
Where you were brought up.
Values of your parents.
Beliefs of your parents.
The school you went to.
The friends you made.
The books you read.
TV you watch.
The job you have!!!!
Like it or not all these things influence us and from these filters we make up a story and that story is who you perceive yourself to be. Confused yet????
So the ego isn't real. It might seem real but its a false sense of who you are.
Just like Tyler Durden from fight club says:
“You are not your job, you're not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You are not your f***ing khakis."
Change is the only constant in life everything around you is changing from the weather, the trees, wildlife, architecture, technology, relationships even right down to a cellular level your body is changing by the second.
So who the hell am I then? Well we are many things, mums, dads, sisters and brothers. Husbands, wives, boyfriends and girlfriends. We are humans constantly changing and evolving, our emotions and our thoughts change like the wind. We are the energy we put out in the world we are our intentions both good and bad. We are not who we used to be and we do not know who we will be in the future we are who we are in this moment only!!
Think about this after you have read this post, it's a morbid thing to think about but I think it emphasis the point I'm trying to make, when the inevitable happens and we leave this life think about this. Why will people attend your funeral to say their goodbyes!! I guarantee it won't be because of your f***ing Khakis.
Written by David Drury